why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
