If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
