Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
