I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just had sex on a roof
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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