You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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