I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
