the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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