Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
