I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
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