So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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