im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
It's shark week go big or go home
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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