My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
