you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
