I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
