I should be sponsored by Trojan
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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