Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
