My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
