Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
