Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
