just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
