I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
