mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize