checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
a search helicopter?!
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
