I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize