here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
