Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
