If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
