The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
