It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm like, not good at living.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
