I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize