Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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