I hate all girls vehemently.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
