whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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