I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize