i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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