When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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