I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Randomize
