you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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