i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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