omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
