when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
