um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Randomize
