I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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