someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
