are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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