They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
