I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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