The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
