your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
