Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize