I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
