did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
