Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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