apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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