You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
