And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
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