I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
