I am puke
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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