you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
