i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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