Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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