i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
