i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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