U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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