got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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